His Monologue
by rocksolidpanda
Summary: Set in a normal world, with no Hogwarts, we see what might have been between Lily and Severus... Will love prevail? What challenges will they face?


"I loved her and that's the beginning and end of everything" F. Scott Fitzgerald.

The old man stood in front of the massive oak tree, the one that they used to play on almost every day. It was fall, and the leaves were yellow and orange, lazily floating down to the ground below.

Lily and Severus were best friends, starting at an impossibly young age. They played and laughed together on that tree. Some days she would teach him to climb, and he would, even if he was afraid of falling. Lily always made him brave. Other days, they would just sit on one of the thick gnarled branches and watch the glowing sunset, streaking the sky with bursts of gold and rose. They would sit side by side, sweating, heaving, hearts racing. He would look to her and truly see her, and how she looked so peaceful and happy. Her emerald green eyes would turn to his, and all he knew was that he had never wanted to freeze a single moment so badly. Their parents were close, which is more than likely the reason they had been joined at the hip. One time when they had been only eleven years old, Severus had stolen the purple ribbons out of her hair and ran away, only to drop and muddy them at her feet. Lily had been furious, and refused to talk to, or so much as look at him. Looking back, the old man chuckles quietly to himself.

Her mom had come to visit the next day and brought Lily along, not knowing about their fight. The old man remembers how he had hated seeing her that upset, his pride and stubbornness battling the desire to make up for it, and more than anything wanting to catch a glimpse of her perfect smile again. Knowing she was coming over, and that this was his chance at redemption, he begged his mom to go out to get her a new, better ribbon. When she came over, she wouldn't even look at Severus. He mustered as much courage as he could and marched up to her, thrusting the new ivory lace ribbon into her small hands. He turned his head, face beet red, and refused to meet her gaze. After a while of silence, he finally turned to look at her. With a look of pure awe pasted on her face, she slowly fingered the lace, as if she could remember its pattern by the feel of the fabric with fingertips alone. Even as a child, all he ever wanted to do was make Lily happy.

As the years grew, they did as well. Now blossoming into a beautiful young woman, Lily took middle school by storm, charming anyone who had the pleasure to cross her path. Of course she was popular. With her big green eyes, long flowing flaming red hair and easy smile, everyone was drawn to her. She made each day brighter, and left a little sparkle wherever she went. Even with all the attention, she was still the same, still _his _Lily. They were inseparable, no matter what changes life threw their way. In class, when they had projects with partners, all the girls, and boys, would beg her to be her partner, but Lily always just shook her head and smiled. She would point to him and say "Severus is always my partner." Lily was a blessing in Severus's life; he would forever think of her as his angel, and with her halo of orange hair, she looked the part.

High school was an awkward time for Severus, and a place where Lily had shone, popularity always coming naturally, she was like a celebrity. He liked to listen to underground bands and read, not the coolest of past times. It wasn't as if he was bullied, that would mean people would have to notice Severus, which never happened. A few weeks into the first months of high school, Lily ended up trying out for the cheerleading team, and she made it, how could she not? She met other girls on the team whom she talked and hung out with, but Severus was the only one who knew that Lily was completely out of place among them. They were all beautiful yes, but she was an old soul, she wasn't like them. Severus knew Lily loved to read just as much as him, and no one had a better memory for small time bands no one has ever heard of. High school was one huge cliché, she had liked to say. Sometimes at night, if she was feeling particularly lonely, Lily would just pop up at his window, and let herself in. It was convenient, and any time spent with her was heavenly. She would lay on his floor and talk about everything, and talk about nothing. "When I'm older, I'm leaving this town for good. I want to go anywhere, everywhere." She would always ask him, "will you come with me?" Of course he would go with her, he would follow Lily anywhere. She was his only aspiration, his biggest dream. He wanted to take the bits of her and press them like flowers between his favourite books. Severus knew he was in love with her then, who wouldn't be? He loved the simplest, smallest details about her, and there was nothing more beautiful than her being completely herself. He loved her most whenever she read and had a beautiful faraway look in her eyes. He loved her most when she cuddled up with her cat Sansa( that she refused to admit she loved endlessly), and he especially loved her when they sat on the old oak tree and watched the sunset. Severus wasn't delusional though, he also knew he couldn't have her. The thing with people is the longer you've known someone; the more difficult it is to see them in a new light. He was happy being _hers_, in any capacity. School passed quickly, it came easily to him, he was good at doing what the teacher wanted and expected. Lily was more creative, a free bird. She hated schooling, and the structure and rules that came with it. School work was never her strong suit, and it reflected in her grades. That was just who she was though, a hippie at heart, a soul untethered.

Then, it was time to graduate. The thought that in a few months' time he would be going to university, all alone, was terrifying. Meanwhile, Lily would be leaving their small town and going to school in California. It was easy to picture her there; her skin would get darker, and her hair lighter. She would be wearing her easy grin, looking up at the sun and feeling the heat. Whenever he pictured her, she was happy.

University was exactly where he belonged. It was a place where people actually cared about their grades, and took pride in them. He was comfortable there, where people minded their own business, where there was no expectation set for him but his own. He was majoring in math and sciences, and he realized quickly that high school did not prepare you whatsoever for university. Severus's first year was embarrassing, to say the least. He almost failed all of his classes, but he got through it. After the first year, he knew more of what to expect and dived into his studies wholeheartedly. Always in the back of his mind, Severus was expecting Lily to move on from him, her quaint childhood friend slowly fading from memory with each passing day. She surprised him though, like she always did. She called him or emailed at least once a week. They talked about classes, the new people they had met. Mostly she just talked, and he listened, laughing at her crazy antics, and always feeling as though the most important part of himself was far far away.

It was a Saturday when he got home. Lily and her mother were coming over to celebrate their respective graduations, and he was excited to say the least. To see her, hold her. Severus's mom walked into his room an hour before they were coming over, laughing as he frantically sorted through outfit choices. "Even after all this time?" she asked softly. He just looked at her, "Always". He decided on a button up shirt and was checking himself out in the mirror on the back of the closet. He wasn't vain, he just didn't want Lily to see how he was still the awkward and skinny guy she left behind, he wanted her to notice him, really notice him for the first time.

Lily was stunning as always, and her hair had lightened and her skin darkened, just the way he had imagined. They all ate together, and drank wine. They talked about possible futures, what they wanted to do next. A short bit after dinner had ended; Lily took him by the hand. She led him out of the house and they started to walk, never loosening her grip on his arm. "I'm about to say some things and I just want you to listen. I've realized that I am in love with you and I absolutely cannot live without you." He started to say something but she stopped in her tracks and put a hand over his mouth. "Don't. Just listen. I went to the doctors, I found a lump, and I just wanted to make sure…" She trailed off with tears glistening in her eyes. He looked down at her and started to really take her in. She had dark circles under her eyes, her skin, although tanned had a translucent quality, and her lips were chapped and dry. She looked exactly like his Lily, maybe just a little tired. "Oh Lily." he breathed as he looked down at her. "I know you might not feel the same, but I just thought I might as well say it before anything hap..-"Severus cut her off before she could keep going. He held on to her, not letting go. He hugged her like she was his only reason for living, which was kind of true. He looked at her and saw the rest of his life in front of him.

They were out of school and his full time job was now taking care of Lily, he devoted his life to her. He went with her to all of her doctor's appointments, every trip to the hospital when things got bad. Severus watched her as she got sicker, the light draining out of her eyes, her hair falling out. He held her fragile hands, and told her he loved her every opportunity he got. They grew even closer in her sickness, Severus was her strength. They argued and bickered, but never had any of the nurses seen a woman scold a man with such love and adoration in her eyes. Theirs was a love without limits, one that was rarely found, and never understood by anyone but the two of them. On May 23, 1968 at 6:40 am, his best friend looked him in the eyes one more time, and left him all alone.

The old man smiles down at the grave. He is a lover without a lover. He belongs deeply and solely to himself now, waiting for the days that he will be able to hold his Lily again. All he ever wanted to do really, was buy an old house and spend the rest of his life with her. He is as committed to her today as he was those long years ago, for their love was as unchanging as time. He stands in front of her grave and gently lays the things he brought under her tombstone. He lays down a bouquet of lilies, her favourite book of poems, and an ivory lace ribbon. He looks up from the old grave, to the even older oak tree, and he smiles through the tears running down his weathered and wrinkled face. Behind that tree was the most beautiful, glowing sunset he had ever seen.


End file.
